My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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