Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
