take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize