I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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