Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
