You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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