She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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