remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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