I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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