Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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