Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize