He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
