Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize