he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
we should paint friendship bongs
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
