you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
