i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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