Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
should my penis look like a turkey
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
