im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize