I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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