apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
