Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
