I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am midnight drunk by noon
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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