I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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