its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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