I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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