it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize