I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
