i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
