Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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