I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
