i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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