I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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