If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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