He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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