glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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