mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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