my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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