so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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