Sponge bath it is.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize