Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
