please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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