Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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