I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
