i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
