i just wanna soil my oats bro
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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