Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
