just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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