The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
