dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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