I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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