SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you would pick up someone in the library
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
