I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
