My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
