I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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