I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Randomize
